The ugly truth

I have to write in English, because I don't want my parents reading this, or anybody of my family - thankgod they don't know english, although my father speaks french(my favorite language all the world) really well. Sometimes, I really hate them. I mean, not them, not the people that they are, but especially living with them. And mainly, because my brother is a fucking jerk. Sometimes, I can't stand, I can't understand how one big friendship became this shit, became this unbearable living together. Since I came from the wonderfull place that is Vancouver, my brother have been more and more crazy. Just crazy. He screams all the time and such a little mistake is a reason to fight. And it's not a common fight between siblings. It is a mixed of anger, incredible range, and madness. Nowadays, he have been extremely cruel. He says a lot of things, spend 1 or 2 weeks withou speaks, and when he talks something it is just to humiliate me. He explodes for every little thing and this is really making me crazy. And, of course, I am feeling like a trash, because every place that I go, I talk about my brother, telling how I love him, althoug I don't say this so much when I am with him.  You must understand that my familt is not the kind that talks about love every time, except for my mother. We are introspective and I don't see any problem in that. However, we never fough this way as the last days. Friday, for example, my brother had a surprise party. He could take a ride with a friend, but he was late. So, I was about to arrive in home and they immediately asked me to leave him in the house of his friend. I said "ok", but I needed check out my e-mails before. When I was reading an important e-mail about something of the university, he started to make a scandal. And you have no idea how cruel he can be. He totally overeact and then, the fight started. We went down screaming and discussing and he started to say a lot of bad words, as always. When we were on the car, I said that if he couldn't go withou speak a word, he would go walking to the party. And so, the pride, as always again, spoke more loud. He got out of the car and started to walk. I was behind him, asking to go back to the car. I must clarify that the party was not very far way, just tree blocs of our house. He went to the party walking. It seems very stupid and little, but today he exploded again. He said that I am fucked and I will regret all my life because of making he walk - tree blocs, my god - and a lot of bad words again. He said that he wont do me a favor anymore - but this doesnt really matter, by the way, he never do anything for me. Oh, and of course, he said that I must have stayed in Canada forever. So, my dear, I wanted. Do you think that I wanted go back to this hell? Do you think that I miss anybody? I miss no one. Not even my family. Especially my family, I think. I was in heaven without the screams, the fights between mother and father (she always says that she will take the divorce), my sister breaking my things and my brother calling me shit. Sometimes, I thought about parents, of course. They are really good, but sometimes the flaws are too big. They don't consider my feelings and they always think that I am creating every suffer, that I don't suffer for real. They don't have any idea. And I always talked about my brother, how I loved him, to my friends of school. But when I came back, I realized that he didn't deserve any of my beautiful words. At all. And this is the ugly truth about me. I don't really care about human beings, I mean, we are trash and we deserve die. I just want to help people, but without making friends, without risk my life with this fake relationships, because I don't believe in love anymore. It doesn't exist. Otherwise, a brother would not to scream and almost kill you with the eyes just because of a party. And that is why I prefer the books. Study, make money, have a good job, help people without feelings... this is all that matters... not these stupid people that just make me waste my time.

Sometimes, I really hate people. Their pride, selfishness and pretensions. I can't even stand my family's flaws. I wish I could live so far away, in a small house, totally alone, me and my books, the perfect world without this daily cruelty and folly. It is one of the reasons that I want to be diplomat: living far away without all this fucking fake love. 

Sorry, my friends, I'm really angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed. And it's not new... It's been awhile and if I don't say anything, I won't bear this.

Now, that I am relieved, I can go back to my studies...

Forgive my grammatical errors, I don't have any time to review, so I have to write fast.

And thanks for reading about my stupid life, it have been also a kind of consolation, knowing that tere is someone that is not superficial... and, of course, I love to write... it's like the paper can understand me better than my parents.